Hi. It’s Guinness. Yes, the rabbit.
That old fart Michael is asleep and forgot to write a Christmas blog post. It’s up to me to bail his butt out of Kristen’s fire. It has come to my attention that there will be no over the top Christmas letters from the now slightly-matted-but-still-has-that-new-smell Vernon family. It’s a recipe for disaster and everyone moans about the chirpiness when there are oodles of “cheer” being spread by Amazon’s daily reminders. That diamond tiara isn’t going to purchase its way onto the credit card bill by itself, is it? Unceremoniously, you can Pinterest it until your heart’s content.
Michael and Kristen found it necessary to invite complication into their lives. Having just the most spectacular bunny be at their beck and call wasn’t enough. There is no other explanation beyond the logical one: Old Spice and Ax Body Spray. The TV said so with their great commercials. Why else would they be getting ready for a baby running around the house without anyone’s permission? Shameful. It’s so distressing for them that they haven’t even named the fleshy thing. Absolutely despicable. Obviously, this little so-called princess and I will need to set up boundaries.
This baby came about one of two ways: Michael found a job that allows him to be home with me and Kristen at the same time, and thus happiness ensued. Or, the most likely and my personal favorite, they realized they are getting old. The growing consensus is of the opinion that they actually wanted this little girl but I have no basis for this other than anecdotal evidence.
Michael is now involved with a criminal element and keeping track of records in downtown Seattle. I don’t know what a Department of Adult and Juvenile Detention is but supposedly his Dad and his Granddad (who gave the best scratches before he went to visit the Great Carrot Patch in the sky) worked there. It can’t be all that bad.
For a few months, my sleep patterns normalized until Kristen began waking up at 2am to have Cheerios and oatmeal. And not sharing! The nerve that woman has. All the opportunities I give her to love me and BAM! No reciprocation. Instead, Michael and she go on trips to wondrous lands like Victoria and Longbeach. I am sent over to the Lemieux’s house where they have a slobbering dog taking up residence. There is also a cat, Kingsley, who wants to be friends so badly but he smells funny, and I don’t trust him. I love my owners but this is pushing my patience.
I hope everyone has a Happy Kwanzaa or whatever. May you gather round with excellent food, warm and inviting conversation, and a handful of helpful choices in Cards Against Humanity.
- Guinness and Family